The Fangover: Turn! Turn! Turn!

After months of waiting the creators of True Blood did not fail at making the season premiere of Season 5 worth the wait! If you have yet to see the new episode, please read no further unless you wish to be spoiled.

Turn! Turn! Turn! begins with a bang by showing other views of Sookie’s final showdown with v-addicted psycho were Debbie Pelt. Cutting to Bill and Eric who both stiffen as they feel Sookie’s fear coarse through their connection with her. Only to be pushed aside as Eric proclaims “Fuck Sookie.” Cradling his wounded pride, he insists Bill and he should continue cleaning up what little remains of the late Nan Flanagan.When Sookie fires off the shot that kills Debbie and is overcome with emotion, Bill leaps to his feet and vampspeeds towards her house, only to be stopped by the team of Authority gay storm troopers.

Meanwhile, as the second shot fires off, Lafayette is awaken and rushes down stairs to find a distraught Sookie cradling the lifeless body of Tara. As they attempt to perform CPR, who should arrive but Pam. After her fight with Eric, she returns to Sookie’s (technically Eric’s) home to apologize and try to make amends with her Maker.

Color me impressed, you guys know how to party.

Not in the mood for any of Pam’s sarcasm, Sookie pleads with her to leave, only to have Lafayette stop her by begging her to turn Tara. Sookie attempts to push away the concept, but overcome with grief she agrees to owe Pam a favor in return for help in saving Tara.

I can’t be the only one who’s noticed she’s missing half her head, now can I? Even if I try, what’s to say she won’t rise out of the ground tonight utterly fucktarded?

As Pam negotiates with Sookie, Eric and Bill are dragged and tossed into a silver-lined car and taken away by the Authority. Jason confronts the newly fanged Steve Newlin who appeared at his doorstep at the end of last season. . Jason falls for Steve’s lie about not being able to glamour him and finds himself inviting Steven into his home. Meanwhile, Sam is confronted by the strange wolf, who turns out to be pack member Rikki, who is searching for answers about Marcus Bozeman’s whereabouts.

Sookie and Lafayette set to work on digging the grave for Pam and Tara to spend the day. Unamused by the prospect of spending the day with her new Childe, Pam and Sookie trade a few snide remarks.

I am wearing a Walmart sweat suit for y’all. If that’s not a demonstration of team spirit, I don’t know what is.

Reluctantly, she concedes to being buried and as she moves to hold Tara,  Sookie and Lafayette get to work on covering up Tara and Pam.

At Luna’s, Sam waits in the nude for her return, in order to warn her of the pack looking for Marcus. Despite Luna’s insistence that Sam allow the pack to handle Alcide’s murder of the previous packmaster, Sam foolishly admits to the murder. His failed attempt at nobility is to pay a debt he feels he owes to Alcide for saving his life and attempting to save the life of Tommy, as well as to protect Luna and Emma.

As Steve releases Jason from his glamour, Jason finds himself sitting in one of his arm chairs with duct tape across his mouth as Steve confesses his undying love for him.

Now that I have been blessed with the gift of mortality, I finally have the strength to say, I’m a gay vampire American and I love you, Jason Stackhouse.

Jason confesses that he is flatter by Steve’s confession and even forgives Steve for his behavior at the Fellowship of the Sun. As he replies that his “dog don’t bark that way”, Steve becomes upset and moves in closer, saying “My dead heart beats for you, the least you can do is try. Summoned by Jason’s fear, Jessica appears to save him, proclaiming that Jason is hers.

I am Steve fucking Newlin. Who the fuck are you?

Who I am is an older vampire than you. Who I also am is the progeny of the King of Louisiana, who happens to be out of town, which pretty much makes me the Queen.

Of course, Jessica holds no true power within Bill’s (former?) kingdom, but she manages to chase Steve away who proclaims his love to Jason as his invitation is revoked and he’s sent packing out the door.

Meanwhile, Bill and Eric attempt to escape the Authority by causing the car they are in to explode. As they emerge from the wreckage, they are confronted by an armed Hayes who is promptly staked by his accomplish. Bill watches as Eric greets the newcomer with an extremely intimate kiss and Eric introduces Nora as his sister.

Sookie sets to work on clearing up the aftermath of her fight with Debbie. Noticing that Lafayette seems distant, she informs him that she understands if he can’t deal with the clean up after all he has been through.

Sook, now I’m the last mother fucker on the planet to trust the police, but why don’t you just tell them it was self defense? Shit, you’re a white girl. They’ll believe ya.

This question leads to Sookie revealing that she didn’t kill Debbie in self defense, that she had a moment in which she chose to murder her. Reluctantly, the pair set to work on clearing the evidence of the crime.

Nora and Eric explains to Bill about their relationship and how they are only connected through their maker, Godric. Nora confides that she doesn’t believe Bill should be awarded the true death for their dealing with the necromancers and thus, saving all the vampires from Marnie’s reign of terror. As Nora contacts the guardian of the Authority, Eric confesses that no one, not even Pam knows about his connection to Nora.

After disposing of Debbie’s remains and cleaning Sookie’s kitchen, Sookie and Lafayette return to his home to take care of Jesus’ remains, only to find the body missing. Lafayette becomes outraged by the missing body and in an attempt to give him some time to make peace with his loss, Sookie returns to the car while Lafayette attempts to contact Jesus’ ghost.

As Sookie tries to make it through the day, her loss weighs heavily on her as she recalls Tara coming to her defense when they were children. Lafayette also struggles with the aftermath of Samhain and all that came to pass the night before, leaving him to cope by shaving his head bald.

Alcide stops by Sookie’s house unexpectantly and Sookie nervously tries to make small talk. She’s flustered to find they missed one of Debbie’s teeth and as Alcide admires the missing cabinet doors, she kicks it under the fridge. As she attempts to distract him, she redirects his attention to the reasoning behind his visit, in which he proceeds to inform her that Russell Edgington escaped his concrete tomb.

He’s three thousand years old, what were they thinking leaving him alive?

Alcide insists that Sookie should stay with him and feeling guilty, she begins to confess about the events from the night before. Eavesdropping, Lafayette rushes downstairs and interrupts, opting to anger Alcide instead of allowing Sookie to complete her confession.

How the fuck do you think you can protect her from an ancient pissed off vampire, when all werewolves do is piss off vampires even more? We done with all the supernatural bullshit, ya heard me? No vampires, no witches, no ghosts, no maenads and no mother fucking werewolves.

Sam is interrogated by the weres of Shreveport, spearheaded by Marcus’ mother. And after promising that no harm will come to Luna or Emma, he agrees to take them to the body. Once there, the pack prepares to murder Sam, only to be stopped just in time as Alcide and Luna arrive.

Admitting to his part in Marcus’ death, the pack turns expectantly to Alcide to follow suit as they shift into their wolf form and begin to consume the remains.

After Eric and Nora’s passionate reunion is interrupted by Alcide’s call about Russell’s return, they and Bill make their way to rendezvous with Nora’s accomplices. The meeting is short-lived as the Authority arrives and kills all of the vampires, with the exception of Nora, Bill and Eric, who are taken into custody.

In the name of the one true vampire Authority, whose will and justice is made manifest by God, DO NOT FUCKING MOVE.

The episode ends as Sookie and Lafayette await for Tara to rise as vampire. In a foolish move, Sookie proceeds to dig Tara up. Believing she is truly, finally dead, she begins to mourn the loss of her best friend and as Lafayette returns, she is unable to control her sobs. Suddenly Tara rises at vampspeed and attacks Sookie.

Other events that weren’t entirely noteworthy:

  • Andy gets to meet Holly’s boys after being caught in a compromising position. Nothing like being caught face down and ass up to make a good impression.
  • Andy is bribed into getting rid of a speeding ticket. Going 75 in a 45? Not a problem. The speedometer must have been wrong.
  • Jason is outcasted by his former best friend, Hoyt and the rest of the roadcrew.
  • Terry and Patrick are haunted by the realization that they are not the only members of their company that suffered from the loss of a home due to fire. Thus, causing trouble between Arlene and Terry as he refuses to confide in her about what is going on.
  • Jason and Jessica party with a group of college kids and Jason comes to terms with the true status of his and Jessica’s relationship.

It was a fangtastic start to the new season and if you’re still stuck in the coffin, you need to tune in.

The all new True Blood episode, Authority Always Wins airs Sunday at 9/8 CST.


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