Five Easy Steps in Winning a Demon’s Heart.

Do you ever wonder: Fuck, what do I have to do to get to that piece of sweet ass? You’re not alone. I’m pretty sure there’s even some rehab program for those that have tried and failed. While I may be happily taken, here are a few ways to get close to other fine asses like myself.

1. Don’t be afraid to be a dork: Seriously. I love a guy who can joke around with me. Who drops quotes from Lord of the Rings in line for coffee. Who will text me on September 1st to remind me not to miss the Hogwarts Express. Who will sit through Doctor Who marathons with me and discuss crazy scenarios. Who will understand that as much as I love him, I would offer myself to Alan Rickman without a second thought. You want me to go with you to Comic-con? Bitch I probably already bought tickets months ago. You want to spend the afternoon making super-hero costumes? I’ll bring the glitter. Don’t put on this “I am god’s gift to women” attitude when you’re with me. Because, no, no you are not. At this moment, you are god’s gift to me, just as I am god’s gift to you. So act like it.

2. Treat me like a lady: Yes, I’m well aware that I can open the door for myself. But you know what? I like it when you hold it for me. Take me out to a fancy restaurant. I don’t mean every goddamn day; once in a while is enough for me. Offer to pay for me. Of course I’m going to object. I’m stubborn. I’ll probably object at least twice to make sure you’re serious. I can take care of myself, but I like to be taken care of when you are able to. And sure, sometimes I want to throw myself face down and ass up on the bed and just fuck, but that’s for you. And unless you understand that, it will be taken away. And most likely given to someone else more deserving.

3. Treat me with respect: No. This is not the same as “treat me like a lady.” Respect my opinions. Understand I’m not always going to agree with you, but that doesn’t mean I hate you or that I’m looking for a fight. I want you to get me. Don’t just assume that I’m going to have a hot meal waiting for you when you get home. Sure, I like cooking for you. I may even enjoy it. But don’t EXPECT me to just do it. You didn’t call and say you’d be home late? Baby you better have picked up some pizza because your dinner has most likely been eaten. By me. With no regrets.

4. Make me feel special: Go ahead and check out that girl with the banging ass as she walks by. I’m probably checking her out, too. And nine times out of ten, my fantasies are better than yours. However, I want to know that it’s me you want to come home to every night. Hold my hand. Gaze into my eyes. Not like a creeper, just long enough to show that I am what you want. Let me know you like seeing me in your bed when you wake up. Let me know you want only me.

5. Don’t lie: Most guys feel like if the truth is going to make the girl mad, why not lie and save yourself the headache? False. I will have so much more respect and faith in you if you tell me the truth from the beginning. You got drunk and hooked up with your ex? Tell me. Of course I’ll be pissed and will want to chop of your balls. But after I get over that state, I will be thankful that you told me. That I didn’t hear it from someone else. That you respected me enough to tell me. Because, sometime down the line, the truth will come out. And when the rope starts to uncoil, I will either hang you with it for the lies, or cast it out to save you. Your choice.

Now, go forth my sexy minions. Go forth and sow what the master has taught.

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